1st January. First day of the year. The day started out right and warm and full of sunshine, only to be shadowed by fear and unease after sunset. I did not want to end this day in such low spirits so I decided to confront why I was so afraid of being afraid. I listened to Joel Osteen’s talk about treating every person like a gatekeeper and I saw another way to look at this certain person I am afraid of.
I am afraid of him because he makes me feel uncertain about myself and my capabilities. He certainly has the authority to upset my career and I am so afraid that all the hard work and reputation I have made for myself so far in my short 5 years in the hospitality industry will turn to dust. I am afraid that I will not measure up to standards and be a complete disappointment even for myself.
And then I realized something: I left my previous job because I was no longer afraid. I was no longer challenged. I felt there was no longer any growth to be reaped. So I jumped way outside my comfort zone to challenge myself again. And now I am afraid. But being afraid now is keeping me on my toes. Being afraid now is making me see things in a new perspective, making me think differently, making me learn new things. I am making mistakes, yes. But I am learning anew. Learning new things I would never have learned if I stayed within my comfy circle. I am afraid because my stable ground is being shaken up and I am afraid that the grounds will open up and swallow me whole. But this is making me feel alive again. I am learning that I can be brave at instances when my purpose is being questioned and denied.
I can only be brave now that I am feeling afraid.
He is a gatekeeper towards a higher goal. A level I need to finish and win and surpass in order to get to a higher level. A big problem, yes, but nothing against my bigger God. I don’t want to get preachy even to myself but I keep thinking now that He did not open this door for me just to leaving me hanging helpless on a cliff. I need to do my best and keep an open and thankful and prayerful mind and everything will turn out according to His plan. And His plans are never wrong.
I just remembered now that I had a theme for 2015: it was #PUSH2015. And indeed I did push for a lot of things to happen. It was quite an apt hashtag. For this year, I first thought it should be #Fearless2016. But then I thought, it would be even better if, whether I was afraid or not, I will be brave and courageous. So, remembering my favorite lines from INVICTUS* and DESIDERATA**, I look forward to a stronger, feistier self with a mind that thinks more, a heart that loves more and a spirit that cannot be broken. A #BRAVE2016.
*…I thank whatever gods may be / for my unconquerable soul … I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul. (Invictus, )
**You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars / you have a right to be here / And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should … Strive to be happy. (Desiderata, Max Ehrmann)
Disclaimer: Credits to the owner of the shark meme. Not mine!
LOOKING BACK ON 2015 HIGHLIGHTS…
That is a lame title. I know. But it sums up what I have been recently up to. Plus learning Photoshop. But then again YoGuitarShop is pushing it. Anyway —
In my previous post about 2 months ago, I was yapping about how unkind I am to myself and how my thoughts really affect my actions and emotions. So I have been looking for activities that would promote inner peace or something like that. Or at least distract me from my self.
So I started doing yoga about 2 weeks ago and I must say, it is not what I thought it would be. Not all omms and zzz’s but about inner strength and balance and the power of the breath and trying not to faceplant while doing downward dog.
I didn’t take a formal class. No time or money for that. There’s this 30 day yoga challenge by Adriene and it’s amazing. I have been practising listening to and moving with my breath. It helps me clear my thoughts and make me internalize everything that is happening outside and within me. Believe me, it helps at work too when it gets too stressful and you just want to grrrrr. But it’s not a magic pill. I still let unkind words swirl around my head and sometimes they escape my mouth too which makes me mentally give myself a stink eye. But hey, we are all a work in progress.
And there’s my guitar I have lovingly called Grey. I’m not a good player, but I swoon whenever I can play a song I really like and make it my own. It’s amazing! It’s not like this song is playing and you sing along with it. No, you are making those badass tunes. Okay maybe not so badass, but still. I smirk.
I swear I get so fckn loquacious past midnight. This was just supposed to be a three-liner with a drop-mic punchline, or a 2 inch wide paragraph at most. I’m just giddy with glee realizing I have been making progress to a better me. Omg that’s cheesy. But there it is. 😊
It was a few minutes before midnight. You can see smoke rising up and some crackle of light coming from a small store here, a two-storey house there. The excitement is so heavy in the air. So heavy that I can feel it weighing down on my cranium. Outside, all lights are lit in anticipation of the final countdown. The old year is almost walking past behind everyone, forgotten and maybe forgiven for all its troubles, maybe thanked with joyful hearts or pursed lips.
I used to love the New Year. But not that evening. Not when the fireworks feel like they are all simultaneously bursting in my head, I can see them like electricity behind my eyelids. Not when the heat of so many busy calderos and stoves are inside my body cooking me up to a weak, sweaty mush of a human being. It physically broke my heart to know my family is a 3-hr flight and drive away while I was there hating every passing second as I hear the neighbors counting down to the New Year. I tried to count myself down to sleep amidst the all-too-familiar noise and confusion outside.
In the darkness, behind closed doors, I promised myself that never will I feel so alone as I did that night.
3…2…1. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Cut Off.”
Something always brings me back to you…
I have always thought about writing as an act of getting naked.
You come home to yourself, drop all the baggage on the floor, peel your clothes off and throw them into the laundry bag of yesterday, wash the glitter down the drain, dust away the day’s worries, and slip into the comfort of your own skin. You close the door and open your heart into words that ebb and flow, much like the quick typing and sudden backspacing, moving onward, backwards, onward again. Fingers that slightly hover over the keys, much like pauses between conversations when we let awkward silences between what we say and what we don’t say magnify what isn’t there and what we don’t want to hear.
But ultimately, we write.
And it is within the jungle of words and hanging vines and lines that we try to make sense of the chaos in our mind. Eyebrows furrow deep into what we are not trying to say when we want to say something. We choose chaos, and chaos chastens us into submission. Caught in the middle, you try to meddle and get lost and wonder…what were you trying to say in the first place? But in the first place, there is no first place. There is only now and you try to stay with it, but you lose yourself and that’s fine.
Sometimes, you need to get lost to get home.
…It never takes too long.