1st January. First day of the year. The day started out right and warm and full of sunshine, only to be shadowed by fear and unease after sunset. I did not want to end this day in such low spirits so I decided to confront why I was so afraid of being afraid. I listened to Joel Osteen’s talk about treating every person like a gatekeeper and I saw another way to look at this certain person I am afraid of.

I am afraid of him because he makes me feel uncertain about myself and my capabilities. He certainly has the authority to upset my career and I am so afraid that all the hard work and reputation I have made for myself so far in my short 5 years in the hospitality industry will turn to dust. I am afraid that I will not measure up to standards and be a complete disappointment even for myself.

And then I realized something: I left my previous job because I was no longer afraid. I was no longer challenged. I felt there was no longer any growth to be reaped. So I jumped way outside my comfort zone to challenge myself again. And now I am afraid. But being afraid now is keeping me on my toes. Being afraid now is making me see things in a new perspective, making me think differently, making me learn new things. I am making mistakes, yes. But I am learning anew. Learning new things I would never have learned if I stayed within my comfy circle. I am afraid because my stable ground is being shaken up and I am afraid that the grounds will open up and swallow me whole. But this is making me feel alive again. I am learning that I can be brave at instances when my purpose is being questioned and denied.

I can only be brave now that I am feeling afraid.

He is a gatekeeper towards a higher goal. A level I need to finish and win and surpass in order to get to a higher level. A big problem, yes, but nothing against my bigger God. I don’t want to get preachy even to myself but I keep thinking now that He did not open this door for me just to leaving me hanging helpless on a cliff. I need to do my best and keep an open and thankful and prayerful mind and everything will turn out according to His plan. And His plans are never wrong.

I just remembered now that I had a theme for 2015: it was #PUSH2015. And indeed I did push for a lot of things to happen. It was quite an apt hashtag. For this year, I first thought it should be #Fearless2016. But then I thought, it would be even better if, whether I was afraid or not, I will be brave and courageous. So, remembering my favorite lines from INVICTUS* and DESIDERATA**, I look forward to a stronger, feistier self with a mind that thinks more, a heart that loves more and a spirit that cannot be broken. A #BRAVE2016. 


*…I thank whatever gods may be / for my unconquerable soul … I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul. (Invictus, )
**You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars / you have a right to be here / And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should … Strive to be happy. (Desiderata, Max Ehrmann)
Disclaimer: Credits to the owner of the shark meme. Not mine!



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